The Weight Our Bodies Carry
Sometimes the hardest moments in healing our relationship with food come when things are actually getting better.
Recently, a client and I were reflecting on how much had changed since we started working together.
When we first met, food took up a huge amount of space in her life. Bingeing felt overwhelming. There was a constant cycle of trying to control her eating, feeling she had failed, and then finding herself back in the same place again.
Over time, things began to change.
She started eating more consistently. The bingeing reduced dramatically. Food became much quieter in her mind, especially in the evenings when it had previously felt so difficult. She had found a sense of peace around eating that had once felt impossible.
And then we had a different kind of conversation.
She had looked at her body and found herself thinking:
“I can’t be happy at this size.”
Underneath that was a painful fear:
“If my body doesn’t change, I can never be happy?”
I think many people understand this feeling.
For many of us, our bodies become connected to far more than appearance.
They become connected to how we see ourselves, how we imagine other people see us, and what we believe is possible for our lives.
A person might not consciously think, “My body determines my worth.” It is often much more subtle than that.
It might sound like:
“If I felt more comfortable in my body, I would be more confident.”
“If I looked different, I would stop holding myself back.”
“If my body changed, I could finally relax.”
The hope is often not simply about weight. It is about what we imagine that weight loss might make possible.
Feeling comfortable being seen.
Wearing clothes without so much thought and worry.
Being in photographs.
Feeling free to join in rather than wondering how we look or whether we belong.
These hopes make complete sense. We all want to feel confident, accepted and at home in ourselves.
In counselling, we sometimes talk about conditions of worth. These are the beliefs we develop about what we need to be, achieve or change in order to be acceptable, lovable or enough.
For many people, one of those conditions becomes attached to their body.
“I will be enough when my body is different.”
The difficulty is that when our appearance becomes linked to our worth, our bodies end up carrying a responsibility that is far too heavy.
They become responsible for confidence.
For belonging.
For whether we feel allowed to take up space.
Of course, appearance does affect our experiences. We live in a culture where people are judged differently because of their bodies. Weight stigma is real, and it has real consequences.
At the same time, I think there is something powerful about gently exploring whether we can loosen the connection between how we look and how much we believe we deserve.
This does not mean someone has to suddenly feel positive about their body. It does not mean they can never wish things were different.
Most people will have moments where they wish their bodies were different. That is a very human experience, especially when we have lived with so many messages about appearance.
The question is whether that wish has to become the thing that decides how we live.
One exercise I sometimes suggest to clients is a thought diffusion exercise. The aim is to create a little space between ourselves and a thought that feels very powerful.
For many people, the thought is not really experienced as:
“I wish I were thinner.”
It feels more like:
“I have to be thinner.”
“I need to lose weight.”
“I cannot be happy until this changes.”
When a thought has been repeated for years, and reinforced by our experiences and the culture around us, it can start to feel like a fact or a rule rather than a thought.
Sometimes it helps to place it alongside other wishes:
“I wish pigs could fly.”
“I wish I could fly to the moon.”
“I wish I were thinner.”
The point is not to make the desire to be thinner seem silly or unimportant. For many people, that desire carries years of experiences, emotions and beliefs about themselves.
The point is to notice that even a thought that feels urgent, frightening or completely true is still a thought.
Creating that little bit of distance gives us more choice. The thought can be present without automatically becoming the thing that decides how we live.
The thought “I wish I were thinner” can be there without deciding whether we wear the clothes we like, whether we go swimming, whether we allow ourselves to be photographed, or whether we take part in things that matter to us.
We can want something to be different and still allow ourselves to live.
Perhaps the work is learning to hold that wish more lightly.
Allowing it to take up less space.
Allowing our lives to become bigger than it.
My client has already found a freedom with food that once felt impossible.
Now she is exploring whether some of the things she hoped her body would give her can also be found while she is living in the body she has today.
And perhaps that is one of the most important parts of this work: learning that our bodies can be something we care for, rather than something that has to prove we are worthy.
Hi, I'm Vania.
I'm passionate about helping you break free from the exhausting cycle of yo-yo dieting, body shame, overeating, bingeing, and emotional eating.
For decades, I was at war with my body and food. It wasn't until I found an approach which didn't involve strict rules, diets and a focus on weight, that my relationship with food and my body transformed into one of ease and peace. There’s a lightness in living when food no longer holds power over your thoughts. If you're seeking that kind of freedom — where food becomes simple and life feels full — I’d love to walk that journey with you.
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