What a Binge Taught Me About Healing
Years ago, after a difficult evening with one of my teenagers, I turned to chocolate. A lot of it. And afterwards, I wrote about it. At the time, I didn’t fully understand the power of this kind of reflection – I was just trying to make sense of my feelings. But looking back now, I can see how this practice helped me break free from shame around my binge eating and begin treating myself with more compassion.
Here’s what I wrote back then:
I had a difficult time with [one of my teenagers] tonight. The details don’t really matter. What matters is what I made the whole thing mean: that I’m a useless mother; that I don’t know how to be empowering; that I’m putting the building blocks in place for a dysfunctional relationship with her when she’s an adult; that she’ll hate me; that I’m too controlling; that I can’t change; that I’ll never transform myself; that I’m not loving enough and not lovable.
I know I can’t verify any of this to be undeniably true. In fact, here’s what I do know to be true: I am a loving and lovable person. I am useful as a mother—at the very least, I make sure there is nutritious food to eat, clean clothes to wear, a reasonably hygienic house to live in, and I drive! That sounds pretty useful to me, especially if you’re a teenager.
I don’t know what the future will hold. I don’t know what our relationship will be like years from now. But I do know that I love my daughters with all my heart. This age isn’t easy for teenagers, and it’s not easy for parents either. I know I’m doing the best I can, I’m adjusting, I’m learning. And I know that change is possible – I’ve already witnessed it in myself.
So I ate chocolate. Is that so terrible? Even if I ate a lot of it! It doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean the sky will fall down. It just means I ate chocolate. End of story.
And I would have preferred to allow myself as much time and space as I needed to feel my feelings, to remind myself what’s true about me, about her, about life. To forgive myself for not being perfect.
The thing is, I can’t fully heal or move on without forgiving myself first. You can’t beat yourself into fundamental and lasting change—it needs love. I was talking with [a friend] about that this morning – I told her I saw forgiving myself as a means to an end, as something that would help me stop binge eating. But I hadn’t considered that forgiveness itself could be an act of love. A way to remind myself that I’ve done nothing wrong. That I am good, loving, and lovable. That I make mistakes just like anyone else, and that I have another opportunity, moment by moment, to show up differently. And if I don’t, that’s okay too. Because my worth isn’t tied to my actions. I am valuable and lovable simply because I exist.
The etymology of ‘forgive’ is interesting—it can mean ‘to give up.’ Give up what? Give up what I think I know. Give up how I think I should be, or how others should be. Give up being right—or wrong, for that matter. It’s about surrendering to what is.
And what’s on the other side of that surrender?
Peace. Peace with how things are, peace with how I am. A free heart.
Re-reading this entry now, I see how powerful it was for me at the time, even before I had all the language or awareness I do today. The way I challenged my automatic thoughts, the way I reminded myself of what was actually true—these were steps toward healing.
If you struggle with binge eating, self-judgement, or shame, I hope this gives you an idea of how you might process your own experiences. Writing like this helped me stop seeing my eating as the problem and start addressing the self-criticism underneath it.
Self-compassion doesn’t come from fixing yourself—it comes from accepting yourself. And sometimes, the simplest act of writing it all down can be the first step toward that acceptance.
I hope this blog lands gently with you.
May your last binge, or the one before that, or the ones that may come, be doorways rather than dead ends.
I hope this blog offers you something: a whisper of understanding, a moment of clarity, softness toward yourself. Because you are not broken. You are learning. You are human.
If binge eating feels like a battle you’re tired of fighting, I’d love to support you.
Book a free discovery session with me, and together we’ll explore a gentler, more peaceful way forward – one that doesn’t rely on willpower, but on understanding and care. ????
Hi, I'm Vania.
I'm passionate about helping you break free from the exhausting cycle of yo-yo dieting, body shame, overeating, bingeing, and emotional eating.
For decades, I was at war with my body and food. It wasn't until I found an approach which didn't involve strict rules, diets and a focus on weight, that my relationship with food and my body transformed into one of ease and peace. There’s a lightness in living when food no longer holds power over your thoughts. If you're seeking that kind of freedom — where food becomes simple and life feels full — I’d love to walk that journey with you.
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