What on earth is all this business about ‘surrender’???
Hi 
I’ve been speaking about surrender for a while now – and it dawned on me that for some, I could be speaking gobbledigook – so I thought I would at least attempt to clarify what I mean by it.
To start myself off, I referred to one of my all time favourite publications: no, it’s not by Thich Nhat Hanh, Ram Dass nor even the lovely Marianne Williamson – though I love their work – it’s the English Dictionary. No wonder there’s confusion! Surrender, of course, is associated with war! It’s associated with giving up, resigning oneself to the will or control of the victor, under duress. In the definitions I read, there was no indication of it being done with willingness, let alone any sense of joy!
And who wants to do that??? Especially not in our present world, with wars and conflict waging in many places, and the hundredth anniversary of the start of the First World War being ‘celebrated.’
I get the resistance. I really do. In fact, not long ago, I’d have laughed in the face of anyone suggesting I surrender – there was no way I’d be letting my eating disorder ‘win.’ There was absolutely no possible way that I would finally give in to my compulsion to overeat. What would happen then? I’d be big as a house, for sure! No, I was going to beat it, come hell or high water.
Does this sound like you?
In our world obsessed with control, obsessed with the idea that we’re in charge, I’m not surprised. We’ve gone from a world where community and service were highly valued, to a world where self-direction, self-motivation, and self-created success are prized. We’ve gone from leaning in on others, or that which is greater than ourselves, to believing we have to do it all on our own.
To tell you the truth, although I’d grappled with the idea of surrender for a long time, and even used it in my language, I didn’t get what it really meant until I took The Pearl, an advanced course of the More to Life programme. This was a clear turning point for me and I’ll tell you more about my experience of it in a bit.
But for now, let’s get back to the dictionary, and the etymology of surrender. It’s a 15th Century French word – and it’s original meaning, is to ‘give something up’ or ‘deliver over’ – and even to ‘give back,’ from the old French, rendre.
These older meanings don’t have a sense of a fight or power struggle in them, do they? They don’t sound like you’re losing your power. There’s a sense of choice involved in the idea of giving something up, or giving back. It’s as if it was never yours in the first place, that you borrowed it for a while, and now you’re giving it back.
What would we be giving up, or giving back if we were to surrender, and to what or to whom?
Back to The Pearl and my ah-ha in the surrender exercise. I think to date, it was both the most difficult and the most liberating exercise I’ve ever done in the More to Life programme. I won’t go into the how tos here – it’s an experiential programme – you kinda have to be there! But I will share what I learned – and I’ll do my best to do the experience of it justice in words.
I had been doing the process, but not really connecting with it. It was more of an intellectual exercise. I acknowledged all the things I don’t have control over: the state of the planet, world peace, resource depletion, my children’s and husband’s behaviour (I’m chuckling as I write this!)… I was handing back the control that was never mine in the first place.
Then Pascale, the teacher said: ‘And what about [my daughter with autism]?’
I almost couldn’t believe that she was asking this of me. I couldn’t believe that my daughter was also to be surrendered to Life, and this was when the floodgates opened. ‘No!!!! Not her!’ I wailed, ‘I can’t entrust her to Life! Life is too random! She’s too vulnerable! It’s dangerous!’ The image that came to me was being at the edge of a cliff and flinging my daughter off the edge, into the abyss of Life.
And there is was.
When push came to shove, I was not willing to trust Life.
However through the facilitation I came to understand that what I was surrendering was not my love. It was not my deep caring. It was not my vision for the future. It was not my support. It was not my actions, taken in good faith.
What I was surrendering was my illusion of control.
Control was never mine in the first place. I borrowed it without permission.
The truth is we are not in control of very much. We have much less control than we believe we have. No wonder it’s so hard. No wonder we fight with ourselves so much!
Surrender is a willingness, it’s a choice to let go of our illusion of control and hand it back to life.
And when you do this, I promise you, deep peace awaits you on the other side.
Because then, there’s nothing you have to do.
There’s no-one you have to be.
And your choices open up before you like a flower unfolding in the warmth of the sun.
Hi, I'm Vania.
I'm passionate about helping you break free from the exhausting cycle of yo-yo dieting, body shame, overeating, bingeing, and emotional eating.
For decades, I was at war with my body and food. It wasn't until I found an approach which didn't involve strict rules, diets and a focus on weight, that my relationship with food and my body transformed into one of ease and peace. There’s a lightness in living when food no longer holds power over your thoughts. If you're seeking that kind of freedom — where food becomes simple and life feels full — I’d love to walk that journey with you.
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