When struggle is valuable – lessons from my retreat

Written by Vania Phitidis
Peaceful Eating Coach
Last updated on 21 October 2024

Hello!

I’m back from a nourishing and very growthful week away. It was growthful for me, not only because I spent 5 days on a meditation retreat in the Swiss Alps with my Teacher and 19 other amazing beings, but also because we left our 2 teenage daughters on their own at home, for the first time. This was a difficult thing to do – for me, and in particular, for our older daughter, who is high functioning autistic. For her, separation from me is especially difficult: being with groups (even family) is very challenging; being out of her own environment is too, as is being left alone for long periods. You might be beginning to see the complexity! I’m sharing this not so much so you can learn about my family – there is a point!

While I was away, my Teacher spoke often about the ‘struggle’ – especially about the struggle for our freedom (from the occupations of the mind). We all have our struggles: my daughter struggles to gain her independence, for example; people around the world are struggling for freedom from political oppression or equality. Usually we speak about struggle in the sense of a power struggle, as I wrote a few weeks ago in a post about fighting, struggling and battling with weight, overeating and binging. If you missed it, you can find it here.  I haven’t changed my mind about this, however I do want to talk more about the struggle and its value. The graphic may give you a clue: it isn’t about a power struggle.

You see, there is a struggle to be had, if what you want on the other side is of value; if what you want is really worth something. The prize is to be earned.

I love the metaphor of the creation of a pearl. Natural pearls are very rare indeed, and before a method for cultivation was invented, they were highly valuable. Think about the process: the oyster lives in the sea, and because it’s a living organism, sea water and small particles enter and leave the shell. Just as in life, the outside world enters and leaves us many times a day, mostly without much of a trace. In a completely natural process, sometimes a tiny speck will enter the oyster and become embedded. The irritation stimulates the oyster to produce nacre, which is the same material it uses to produce its inner mother-of-pearl layer. It does this to protect the animal from the invader. For as long as the oyster lives, it will continue to cover the irritant with layers of nacre.

The pearl, this rare, precious and luminous object, would not have been created if there had not been a struggle.

The oyster didn’t want that speck to be embedded. It was threatened by it. It created defense mechanisms to protect itself from it. Even if, in reality, the speck was not a threat to its survival. It didn’t know this. It did what it had to do to protect itself.

So let’s make sense of the metaphor.

My Teacher says that struggle is necessary for developing our will. This is not to be confused with will-power – which is really a power struggle. Will is our inner strength. And to build it, we need to do again and again what we don’t want to do, over time. These are things we do actually want to be able to do, but there’s a struggle involved; we need to sit with discomfort, over and over. It isn’t easy – but the prize is a rare and beautiful pearl of great value.

My daughter had to struggle through the week of discomfort – reaching deep for her inner resources – and she added another layer of lustre to her pearl of independence, which she wouldn’t have got, if I’d bailed out and flown home when she asked me to.

If your  pearl is peace with food and eating, and your freedom from weight worries and body shame, what are the layers that create that luminescence?  What are the struggles that are worthy of your effort?

The valuable struggles I see, are to do what it takes to:

• eat when you’re hungry (and not eat when you’re not hungry)
• stop when you’ve had enough nourishment
• make peace with food, so nothing is forbidden, and you don’t deprive yourself
• understand why you want to eat when you’re not hungry, or why you want to keep eating when you’ve had enough food
• manage your mind
• meet your ‘invisible hungers’ with whatever will truly satisfy them
• create daily stillness in your life

They are not easy to do. They require your determination, your commitment and consistency.

But I will promise you this: if you do do what it takes, you will get your pearl.

I send you love and peace x