Why Do We Feel the Need to Justify (How We’re Eating)?
I’ve been thinking about justification lately, and not just in relation to food.
I’ve had a very stressful few years, and I’m burned out. I know this. My friends know this. When I talk to them about how difficult I’m finding things, they’ll sometimes remind me of everything that’s happened and tell me, quite reasonably, that of course I need to rest.
In a first draft of this, I actually listed all the stressors I’ve faced over the last few years. And then I thought, hang on a minute. I’m writing about justification, and here I am with a whole list justifying why I’m burned out!
Hmmm.
Why do I need the list?
Why do I need to justify my need to rest?
Why isn’t “I don’t have the capacity for this right now” enough?
I think part of the answer is shame.
There’s a part of me that thinks I should be coping better. I should be more resilient. I should be more like my old self. I should be able to get on with things the way I used to.
And then there’s the comparing. I look at other people who, in my mind, have circumstances that are much tougher than mine, and think, Look at them. They’re coping. Why can’t I?
Which, of course, is another way of telling myself that I don’t have a good enough reason to feel the way I feel.
Underneath it all is the fear of being judged. Maybe by other people, but often by myself.
If I can produce enough evidence, perhaps I can make my response acceptable.
Look at everything that’s happened. Of course I’m exhausted. Of course I need to say no. Of course I can’t do this right now.
It’s as though I need to establish my right to feel the way I feel.
And I think we do something similar with food.
There are foods we’re expected to justify eating.
“I know I shouldn’t really have this, but it’s my birthday.”
“I know it’s not exactly healthy, but I’ve had such a stressful day.”
“I normally eat really well, but this was too good to pass up.”
“I’m going to get back on track tomorrow.”
The wording varies, but the message underneath is the same:
I know this isn’t the right thing to do. I know the rules. There’s a reason I’m breaking them.
Sometimes we’re saying it to other people. You can almost hear the little explanation that comes with eating something you’re known for avoiding.
“Oh, go on then. It looks amazing.”
“Well, it’s homemade.”
“It’s a special occasion.”
“I’ve been so good.”
The justification is trying to keep the same shame at bay.
We’re not simply eating the food. We’re eating it while knowing that this is something we’ve been told we shouldn’t want, shouldn’t eat, or shouldn’t eat very much of.
So we explain.
This is one reason food can become so exhausting. There’s the eating, and then there’s the commentary around the eating.
Yes, I know.
Yes, I know it’s fattening.
Yes, I know it’s unhealthy.
Yes, I know I said I wasn’t going to.
But…
The “but” is an attempt to make the eating okay.
What if we stopped all that? What if we didn’t need to make it okay?
The same thing applies to the other side of the equation.What if saying no didn’t require a sufficiently good reason either? What if I don’t have to demonstrate that I’m exhausted enough to rest? What if I don’t have to prove that I’ve been through enough to justify needing less from myself?
What if I can simply notice that I don’t have the capacity right now?
That doesn’t mean I’ll always do exactly what I feel like doing. There are other people in our lives – we have commitments and responsibilities and sometimes we do things we don’t particularly want to do because that’s how life is!
However there’s a difference between making a choice because it matters to us and making a choice because we’re afraid that our own needs aren’t legitimate.
I’m trying to learn that distinction myself!
My body is telling me that it needs less at the moment. I don’t know when that will change. I’m practising not making a case for why it is this way. I don’t need to justify it or convince anyone (especially myself) that I’m exhausted enough, or that I’ve got a good enough reason for saying no.
And the same goes for food. You don’t have to justify wanting the food. You don’t have to convince yourself or anyone else that wanting it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Maybe we can start to notice how quickly shame appears when we do something we’re not sure we’re ‘supposed’ to do, and how quickly we reach for a justification to make ourselves acceptable again.
Because underneath all those explanations, there may be a much simpler fear:
What if there’s something wrong with me for wanting this?
I believe peace with food and peace with ourselves involves discovering that there isn’t.
Hi, I'm Vania.
I'm passionate about helping you break free from the exhausting cycle of yo-yo dieting, body shame, overeating, bingeing, and emotional eating.
For decades, I was at war with my body and food. It wasn't until I found an approach which didn't involve strict rules, diets and a focus on weight, that my relationship with food and my body transformed into one of ease and peace. There’s a lightness in living when food no longer holds power over your thoughts. If you're seeking that kind of freedom — where food becomes simple and life feels full — I’d love to walk that journey with you.
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